Every November my social media feeds fill up with those "30 days of gratitude" challenges where people post what they're thankful for, and look, I'm genuinely happy for them. But can we talk about how those posts can make you feel like absolute garbage when you're in the middle of a hard season?
Yes, I'm grateful for my support system, but I'm too exhausted to actually reach out to them. Yes, I'm grateful for my health, but chronic pain doesn't care about my gratitude journal.
Gratitude practices are powerful, but they shouldn't require you to pretend everything's fine when it's not.
Based on the conversations I have in consultations every November, it's definitely not just me.
When Gratitude Becomes Performance Art
Here's the thing about gratitude culture right now – it's become another thing we're supposed to perform perfectly.
You're supposed to post your gratitude publicly. With the right aesthetic. The right tone. The right level of inspiration. You're supposed to be grateful for big, important things. You're supposed to do it daily. You're supposed to make it meaningful.
And if you can't? If you're having a hard time finding things to be grateful for because you're genuinely struggling? Well, clearly you're just not trying hard enough. Clearly you're being negative. Clearly you're ungrateful.
That's not gratitude. That's toxic positivity with a gratitude journal.
Authentic appreciation doesn't require you to ignore reality. It doesn't ask you to pretend your struggles don't exist. It doesn't demand that you find the silver lining in genuinely terrible situations.
Real gratitude says: "This is hard AND I can still find moments worth appreciating."
The Year My Gratitude Journal Made Everything Worse
Let me tell you about the November I tried to do it "right."
I was in the middle of the worst burnout of my life. Working 60+ hour weeks. Barely sleeping. My skin was a disaster. My relationships were suffering. I was running on fumes and spite.
And I decided that what I needed was a gratitude practice. That if I just focused on the positive, everything would feel better.
So I started a gratitude journal. Every morning, I'd force myself to write three things I was grateful for before work.
Day 1: "I'm grateful for coffee, for having a job, for my family."
Day 2: "I'm grateful for... um... coffee again. My bed. My car."
Day 3: "I'm grateful for... why is this so hard?"
By day 5, I was writing things like "I'm grateful this day is almost over" and "I'm grateful for the mute button on Zoom calls."
I felt worse. Not better. Worse.
Because I was trying to gratitude my way out of acknowledging that I was miserable. I was using gratitude as a weapon against my own valid feelings. I was basically telling myself "shut up and be grateful" every morning instead of listening to what my exhaustion was trying to tell me.
That's not self-care. That's self-abandonment with a journal.
Fast forward to me, crying into my gratitude journal at 6 AM because I couldn't even do thankfulness correctly, and you can see how well that worked out.
Gratitude vs. Toxic Positivity: Know the Difference
Let's get clear on something: Gratitude is acknowledging what's good. Toxic positivity is denying what's bad.
Gratitude says: "This is really hard right now, and I'm still glad I have hot water for this shower."
Toxic positivity says: "At least you have hot water! Some people don't even have that! You should be grateful!"
See the difference? One acknowledges reality while finding genuine appreciation. The other uses comparison and shame to shut down valid feelings.
Gratitude says: "I'm exhausted and overwhelmed, and I'm grateful my friend checked in on me today."
Toxic positivity says: "You shouldn't complain about being tired when you have so much to be grateful for!"
Gratitude says: "I'm angry about this situation, and I'm also glad I have the clarity to see what needs to change."
Toxic positivity says: "Everything happens for a reason! Just be grateful for the lesson!"
You can be grateful AND struggling. These feelings coexist. In fact, they almost always coexist.
The Unglamorous Things Worth Appreciating
Want to know what I'm actually grateful for on my hard days?
Hot showers. Like, genuinely, deeply grateful that I can stand under hot water when everything feels like too much.
Coffee that's still warm when I remember I made it.
The fact that my body kept going even when I wasn't being kind to it.
Text messages from friends who just say "thinking of you" without needing a response.
Products that don't make my skin angry.
The delete button on emails I almost sent in anger.
Sweatpants with pockets.
The way my dog doesn't care if I'm productive.
That moment when a tense conversation unexpectedly goes well.
Finding a parking spot when I'm already running late.
These aren't Instagram-worthy. They're not going to inspire anyone. They're not big, meaningful, life-changing things.
But they're genuine. And they matter more than the performative gratitude posts about how blessed I am.
Why Hard Seasons Need Different Gratitude
Here's what nobody tells you: Gratitude in the middle of a hard season looks completely different than gratitude when life is good.
When life is good, gratitude is expansive. You're grateful for your health, your relationships, your opportunities, your growth, your blessings.
When life is hard, gratitude is small and specific. You're grateful for the things that helped you survive the day. The person who was kind to you. The moment you didn't fall apart. The small comfort that made things slightly more bearable.
Both are valid forms of appreciation.
But we're told to practice the expansive kind even when we're in a season that calls for the small kind. And then we feel like failures when we can't summon gratitude for our "blessings" while we're barely holding it together.
If you're in a hard season, small gratitudes count. Making it through the day counts. Anything that made the struggle slightly more bearable counts.
That's not less-than gratitude. That's survival gratitude. And it's just as legitimate.
The Gratitude Practice That Actually Helped Me
Want to know what actually worked?
I stopped trying to be grateful for big, important things and started noticing small moments where things didn't suck.
Not moments where things were good. Just moments where things weren't actively terrible.
The shower that was hot enough. The soap that didn't irritate my skin. The fact that I remembered to eat lunch. The email that could wait until tomorrow. The bed that was waiting for me at the end of the day.
These weren't gratitude journal entries. They were just... noticing. Acknowledging. Appreciating in the moment without making it a whole thing.
And honestly? That helped more than any forced gratitude practice ever did.
Because I wasn't performing gratitude. I wasn't trying to convince myself everything was fine. I was just noticing the small things that made survival slightly more comfortable.
That's what those self-care products became for me – bath salts that made hard days slightly more bearable, handmade soap that didn't add skin irritation to my list of problems, shower steamers that turned a functional hygiene task into a moment I actually looked forward to. Not because they fixed anything, but because they were small comforts in the middle of overwhelm.
How to Be Grateful When You're Actually Angry
Let's talk about the elephant in the room: What do you do about gratitude when you're pissed off about your situation?
Because gratitude practices often show up right when you're most frustrated. Right when you're burned out, overwhelmed, exhausted, and someone tells you to "just focus on what you're grateful for."
And honestly? That makes you want to throw your gratitude journal at their head.
Here's what I figured out: You don't have to be grateful FOR your situation. You can be grateful IN your situation while still being pissed about it.
Example: I'm angry that I'm burned out. I'm also grateful that I finally see it clearly and can start making changes.
Example: I'm frustrated that my job is unsustainable. I'm also grateful that I have skills that give me options.
Example: I'm exhausted by trying to do everything perfectly. I'm also grateful for the people who love me even when I'm a mess.
You don't have to gratitude your way into accepting unacceptable situations. You can acknowledge what's worth appreciating while still demanding better.
That's not ungrateful. That's honest.
The Instagram vs. Reality Gap
Can we talk about the gratitude posts you see online versus what people are actually experiencing?
You see: "So grateful for my beautiful family!" with a perfect photo.
Reality: They had a screaming fight an hour before that photo and everyone's faking smiles.
You see: "Blessed beyond measure with this life!"
Reality: They're barely holding it together and trying to manifest their way out of overwhelm.
You see: "Grateful for another year of growth and abundance!"
Reality: This year kicked their ass and they're just trying to survive until January.
I'm not saying people are lying. I'm saying social media gratitude is performative by nature. It's curated. It's the highlight reel.
Authentic gratitude is messy. It includes the struggle. It makes space for complexity. It doesn't have good lighting and perfect filters.
When you compare your honest, complicated appreciation to everyone else's curated version, you'll always feel inadequate.
You're not doing it wrong. You're just doing it honestly.
When Gratitude Practices Cause More Harm Than Good
Here's something we don't talk about enough: Sometimes gratitude practices actually make things worse.
If you're in genuine crisis, forcing yourself to find things to be grateful for can feel like gaslighting yourself. Like you're minimizing your own pain. Like you're not allowed to acknowledge how hard things are.
If you're dealing with grief, being told to be grateful for what you still have can feel like being told your loss doesn't matter.
If you're experiencing injustice, gratitude can feel like being asked to accept unacceptable situations.
In those moments, gratitude practices aren't helpful. They're harmful.
You're allowed to take a break from gratitude. You're allowed to just feel what you're feeling without trying to find the positive spin. You're allowed to be in the hard thing without forcing yourself to appreciate it.
This conversation happens in every consultation I have this month. People tell me they feel guilty for struggling during the holidays, for not being more grateful, for not having it together.
And I tell them what I'm telling you: You're allowed to be having a hard time. Full stop. No gratitude required to validate your struggle.
Building a Gratitude Practice That Doesn't Suck
If you actually want to develop a gratitude practice that helps instead of hurts, here's what works:
Make it private. No posting. No sharing. No performing for an audience. Just you, noticing what helped.
Keep it small. You don't need three big things every day. Notice one small thing that didn't make your day worse.
Be honest. "I'm grateful for my bed because today was hell and I just want to sleep" counts. Don't force positivity.
Skip it when you need to. If you're having a day where nothing feels worth appreciating, that's okay. Gratitude isn't mandatory.
Notice what actually helped. What made your hard day slightly more bearable? That's what matters.
For me, that often looks like: the hot shower that relaxed my tense shoulders, the fact that I remembered to take care of myself even when everything felt overwhelming, the person who showed me unexpected kindness.
These aren't profound. They're practical. But they're genuine appreciation for things that actually improved my experience of a hard day.
My Actual Gratitude List This Year
You want my honest gratitude list? Here it is:
I'm grateful that I can't fake it anymore. That my body literally won't let me push through like I used to. That I've been forced to change.
I'm grateful for every person who's told me "me too" when I thought I was alone in struggling.
I'm grateful for hot showers and products that don't make my skin angry and beds with clean sheets.
I'm grateful that I finally understand the difference between self-care and self-abandonment.
I'm grateful that struggling doesn't mean failing.
I'm grateful that I'm allowed to be tired, to need help, to not have it all figured out.
I'm grateful for the people who love me even when I'm a disaster.
That's my list. It's not inspiring. It's not Pinterest-worthy. But it's honest.
And honest gratitude is the only kind that actually matters.
FAQ: Gratitude Practices During Hard Times
Q: Is it bad if I can't think of anything to be grateful for?
A: No. Some days are like that, and forcing it makes it worse. Skip the practice that day.
Q: How do I practice gratitude without toxic positivity?
A: Acknowledge both the hard and the good. Don't use gratitude to dismiss valid struggles.
Q: What if gratitude journaling makes me feel guilty?
A: Stop doing it. A practice that makes you feel worse isn't helping you.
Q: Can I be grateful for small, mundane things?
A: Absolutely. Hot showers and warm coffee count. Small gratitudes are often more genuine than big ones.
Q: How long should I practice gratitude each day?
A: There's no rule. Even 30 seconds of genuine appreciation beats 10 minutes of forced positivity.
Because gratitude is powerful. But it's not magic. And you deserve support that acknowledges both what's hard AND what's worth appreciating.
P.S. – If your gratitude practice right now is just "I'm grateful for products that don't make my sensitive skin worse," that's valid. That's enough. You don't need to summon profound thankfulness for life's blessings while you're just trying to survive the day.
P.P.S. – The Love Yourself Bundle isn't going to fix burnout or make you suddenly grateful for everything. But it might give you 15 minutes where things feel slightly more bearable. And sometimes that's all you need.
